Freelancing

I have known since sometime in October of last year that I would not be starting my “real job” again until September, despite graduating in mid-June. Funemployment, and The idea of doing absolutely nothing for two and a half months was highly tempting, but I knew that it might end up looking something like this (click on the image if you forgot to wear your glasses today):



In order to preserve my mental state, keep my girlfriend, and pay the rent I decided to occupy at least some of my time this summer by doing a bit of freelancing (more like really random independent consulting work, but freelancing sounds very LA doesn’t it?). The most recent work has involved analyzing results from an employee satisfaction survey and conducting independent reference checks on candidates applying for an executive management position.

I have found that anonymous employee satisfaction surveys allow respondents to be brutally honest. When asked the one thing that they would change at the company, one respondent said quite simply “FIRE BEATRICE,” while another yearned for "more better" coworkers, and said (and I quote) “to se and work whit more profesional personel.” It was not surprising later to find the more self-reflective comment “Need to work on my english.”

On the other hand, people who are giving professional references are often sugar coating their responses and embellishing the candidate’s actual experience and qualifications. I have discovered that some translation may be necessary in order to uncover the truth, for example:

• “She is very well respected in the company, everyone really enjoys working with her.” really means “She brings cupcakes to meetings and doesn’t annoy me”,

• “He implemented robust processes and procedures to dramatically improve office efficiency” really means “He printed “your mother doesn’t work here” signs for the break area that reminded people to clean up after themselves.”,

• “She is pragmatic and process oriented” really means “She is fucking boring as hell.” and,

• “He is a real go-getter” really means “He is an egotistical asshole and I cannot wait for him to get a new job so he will stop stealing my spotlight.”

With this method of translation, negative comments are a particular cause for concern, for example:

• “She could work on her communication skills” really means “She was a raging bitch, I think she might eat babies.” or,

• “He lacks experience” really means “I am not sure if he even knows how to wipe his own ass.”

Needless to say I have found ways to entertain myself over the past several weeks. I am quite happy, Neezy has not issued any restraining orders against me and my rent and bills are paid in full. Oh, and just in case you were concerned, I have still found plenty of time to train, run errands, sleep-in, watch the Food Network and play on the internets!