Monday, August 23, 2010

Mickey Mouse Marathon

Because I have a soft spot for Mickey Mouse, identify as a lesbian and am a southern California resident, I rarely miss a “Gay Days at Disneyland” event. Before I continue, I know that sentence raised a few questions, so here are some answers:
  1. Yes, there is a “Gay Day at Disneyland” event each year in October
  2. Yes, Disneyland is kind of gay everyday, but that is besides the point
  3. No, Disneyland does not officially sponsor this event
  4. Yes, they should sponsor it, but again, besides the point
  5. On this day LGBT folks and allies come to Disneyland from far and wide by the thousands, ready to “gay it up” in red t-shirts
  6. LGBT = Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgendered
  7. Yes, straight people are there too and if they happen to wear red shirts they may be pretty pissed off
  8. Yes, that is part of the fun
Now that that is out of the way… Disneyland is charging upwards of $100 for a ticket these days (holy moly) but Costco has a screaming deal on a four-day pass. Once purchased, one can use said pass for admission on any four days over a year period (minus a few blackout days of course). For last year’s gay Disney festivities Neezy and I decided that we loved Disneyland enough to go at least four times over the year and made a sound investment in the Costco pass (okay, so really, we decided that I loved Disneyland enough, but whatever).

Yesterday, Neezy and I made our final trip to the park. As previously mentioned, I love me some mother fucking Disneyland, but over the course of the last year I have discovered that this love has its limits. As a child I wished with all of my heart that I could go to Disneyland everyday, yes, everyday, everyday!!! As a 27 year old, this wish has been quelled. Take note, this may be one of the few times that I exhibit maturity that is greater than that of an eight year old.

As a result of yesterday’s activities (and sheer boredom with funemployment) I have done a thorough analysis of the time we spent doing various activities over our four visits and have developed this chart to summarize the results (Blind? Click on the image to make it bigger):

Disneyland

The first visits were fun, and as depicted in the charts, we spent a lot of time riding rides and waiting in a lot of lame ass lines but the thrills were worth the wait, and we left the park feeling like we were indeed, exiting the happiest place on earth. As the visits progressed we became bored with Space Mountain, Pirates of Caribbean and yes, even It’s a Small World. We spent less time on the rides and more and more time watching the a lot of ordinary fucking people (freaky ones, fat ones, REALLY fat ones, skinny ones, crrrrazy ones etc.) and stuffing our faces with everything in sight. Yesterday alone, we consumed the following: subpar turkey sandwich, potato chips, yummy lemony slushie thingie, minorly delicious lemon bar, scrumptious jalapeno cheese filled pretzel, delightful chicken kabob, overly pinapplely Dole Whip float, orgasmic frozen banana, decent and economical chicken tacos, GIANT ice cream cone and finally, Mickey Mouse shaped rice crispy treat. It is also important to mention that we didn’t arrive until about noon and ate breakfast before we came. On our first visit, I was on a mission to ride as many rides as possible within the time frame available (I did not develop a spreadsheet, although I thought about it). During our last visit our only goal was to EAT EVERYTHING!! Mission accomplished.

In spite of my very full belly, I was slightly miserable and on the brink of cutting someone at various time throughout the day. Despite anger and a bloated, not so fresh feeling, I would not trade my “year of Disneyland” for anything else as I have learned a few valuable lessons:
  1. Although you walk about 50,000 miles in a single day, Disneyland does not really do a body good.
  2. My desire to rear and care for a child does not yet exceed my desire to cover it’s mouth with duct tape when it screams.
  3. Americans are weird, and kind of fat but a lot of fun to watch.
  4. Splash Mountain IS the best ride ever.
  5. Disneyland is best visited when accompanied by 30,000 homosexuals.
  6. “World of Color” is just a really gay version of the Bellagio fountains. Rainbow colored fountains doing choreographed dances to Disney songs? Queen, please.
  7. The happiest place on earth is my bed, after spending the day at Disneyland, not Disneyland itself.

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